Our Relationship

Our relationship is different then most people.  It's like a roller coaster ride that has ups and downs. Sometimes I wish there were more ups instead of downs.  I use to wish you weren't my mom and used to hate you and now I realize that isn't true anymore.  Things might be crazy at times but you still are my mother regardless of what we had happened in the past or present.
 
Ever since I was born, you sacrificed a lot more than I can imagine.  You gave me a roof over my head and food on my plate.  Most people around the world don't even have that and I should be lucky.  You were the one parent that showed up to all the hospital visits, courts, parent meetings, social worker meetings, and all the other meetings you had to go to.  I should be at least thankful for that cause I gave you all these troubles, and I dragged you into it.  Yet for some reason I'm not thankful.
 
I know I caused you a lot of pain but you did me to.  I don't understand how a mother can treat a child like that but you did it to me.  You looked at me like I wasn't your daughter and that I was supposed to be your slave.  You believed everyone except for me.  You were my only hope when they all attacked me with words and you let them continue and just went in on it and blamed me too.  In my hardest battles you gave up on me and made it worse by putting me down so bad that at one time I didn't have any reason to live.  You made me turn against everyone and threw your problems at me and broke me down.  What did hurt the most was when they took me away for a while and you didn't care.  When things were becoming official and they were taking away your benefits from me that was when you wanted me back.  For the money.  To me, that hurts the most when a mother only wants her child for the benefits and not for love.  Maybe that was what made me not able to love or show any emotion or kindness to anyone else, and hurt other people like I did.  They called me the devil's daughter or a little demon, but they didn't know the reason why I went that way.  I walked to hell and back with nobody's help and I might have the same personality but today I'm more stronger, more sensitive, and more nice.  I don't do things to hurt people like you do anymore.  I try to stay out of trouble and I accepted help. Everyone who knows me, from when I was little to now, knows that I made a 180 degree change and they're surprised because they didn't think that the "evil" girl could be much happier, nice and grown up.  They see that I met you waaaaaaaay past half way and you didn't change as much as I wanted you to.
 
But you taught me a lot; to not trust anyone and you taught me to learn when people lie straight to my face.  I'm old now and I know that you have reasons you act the way you do.  You went through the thing that happened in Cambodia, and you survived it.  It's not all your fault now.  Since then I see that we are more the same.  I try a lot harder, and now I see that you do love me and you care now, but I see us more as sisters than as mother daughter. Maybe we are not so perfect, and I still don't have a REAL mother daughter experience, and I still go looking to other women for that and you still go to my cousin and see her as you daughter.  But I learned that when I'm older and have kids, I'll give them everything I didn't have. You still took care of me, and showed me love in the littlest ways, even though I couldn't see it.  No matter what, you still gave birth to me and stuck around.  I still may not be thankful, but somewhere inside me I am thankful.
 
10th Grade English Student

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